Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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