I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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