My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
