i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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