the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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