Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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