i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
