You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
