you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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