At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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