thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
