I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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