babies were throwing up all over the place
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
