It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
