FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
