Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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