Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
