I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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