Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
