Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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