Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
