i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
