I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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