I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Your cock deserves a montage
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
