my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
