Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
