here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
