I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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