After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
