Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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