here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
