I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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