You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
