I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
