Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
