my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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