Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
