hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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