Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
