Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
