I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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