Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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