Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
