I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
