everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
