Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
