My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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