the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
