based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
