I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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