Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
