dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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