but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
